There is this saying, “Never judge a book by its cover.”

That applies to people too, never judge a person by their outside, there is so much more to them.

In this Letter, I would like to share something very personal.

I want to tell you about the outside and the inside, what my life seems to be and what I feel.

I also want to mention, that this Letter is different, and the structure is completely different from the others.
It’s a really personal one, because I feel the strong urge to get this out.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my past, my present, and my future.
How things have become the way they are and how to change them.
Things are becoming unbearable and change is necessary.

Update on my journey

Before I continue, I want to give a quick update on my journey to becoming a SaaS founder.

Things are going well with ReContent.AI. I’ve gotten more customers and useful and honest feedback.
Clients can now access and manage their repurposing through a website instead of me sending emails with .txt files.
But I’m a bit behind in automating the process and making it easier to create tweets, that means I still need to spend a lot of time in generating, filtering and editing tweets.

I see tremendous potential in the idea and the bigger vision of ReContent.AI.

That’s why I’m thinking about bootstrapper-compatible funding, for example through calmfund.com, but I’m also thinking about the VC route, which sounds exciting, but I’m not sure if I really want that.
I’m wondering which route will get me to my goals more quickly, and which one makes me more happy. I guess that’s impossible to truly know.

My life seems to be great.

I got a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree from one of the best universities in the world, and I have a good salary.

I’m 27 years old and my future looks promising, at least by traditional standards.

But there is also the dark side that I am trying to overcome.

For many years, my only goal was to become successful.

I sacrificed everything for that, and in return I got good grades, a well-paying job, and a comfortable life.

That rewired my dopamine system and made me believe that sacrifice was necessary and hard work was the only way to succeed.

Then there were my parents, who were constantly busy, working in their business and sacrificing their health for the business. They worked despite all the pain, with a broken wrist, kidney stones, burnout, depression, and all other kinds of illnesses and injuries.

All this for nothing in return, they are separated, and the business is gone, nothing left despite debts, scars and the broken lives of the four of us.

My father still struggles with depression, but still works 15 hours a day because of the money.
But who can judge him?
His pension is literally gone, and all his savings are gone.

Here I am, complaining about my 42-hour a week job, that I don’t have enough time for my projects.

To be honest, I’m not truly happy for a long time now.

I was always on the hunt for the next goal, the next promotion, the next shiny object.

Everything I did was on purpose, with a specific goal in mind.
Just being spontaneous? Impossible!
I kept myself busy all the time, so I don’t have to confront the truth, the truth that is patiently waiting in the silence.

I was never in the moment, and I realized that I had missed out on life for so many years.

I never had many friends.
And my former best friend with whom I spend time literally everyday was in hindsight not a true friend.

All the time I spent working, I forgot how to socialize, how to have fun, how to get out of my head and isolation became my safe environment.

I’m tired of chasing.

I’m tired of not being good enough.

I’m tired of the lack of human connection.

I’m tired of all of it.

I go to the gym and I’m stronger than ever, but it feels like my body is breaking down.

My neck and shoulders are stiff as hell, my lower back hurts, and my mind is constantly racing.

My default state is to be busy and stressed.

I know I need to take my self-care seriously, but I can’t stop.
Stopping seems like giving up, like to admit that what I’ve done all the time was wrong.

There’s this feeling of not doing enough, this paralyzing fear of not being good enough.

I find myself comparing my life to others’.
I see people my age traveling the world, having fun and being carefree, and I can’t help but feel envious.

I know that I am not enjoying my life to the fullest.

I know that I need to make a change. And I’m preaching others to do what they love.

But it’s so hard to let go of what I’ve focused on for so many years.

To give up my career, to give up my life as I know it.

It feels like I’m at a crossroad and don’t know which way to go.

There’s a voice inside me that tells me to let go, that I need to take a leap of faith and finally live my life.

And there is another voice trying to hold me back, telling me that I am not good enough, that I will fail, that I will be lost without my comfort zone.

I’m afraid of rejection.

I’m afraid of not succeeding.

I’m afraid of failing.

But I’m even more afraid of not enjoying my life to the fullest.

That I’m not experiencing everything life has to offer.

That I’m not being present in the moment and not noticing all the beauty that surrounds me.

I’ve already missed out on so much, and my biggest fear is that the sacrifices I’ve made all the years have been in vain.

I need to learn to relax, enjoy life and be in the moment.

I need to find a way to connect with people and build meaningful relationships.

I am on a journey to find all of this, and I hope you will join me.

This crippling anxiety of not being good enough haunts me.

Yet I want nothing more than to experience true bliss, to feel at peace and relax into life, to get out of my head.
To be able to sit across a beautiful woman and to talk with her, without that anxiety.

I want to be free from the chains of my own mind, to be free from the constant chatter and the never-ending stream of thoughts.

The carefreeness, the effortlessness, and the joy when I was 16.

I want to stop overthinking every past and future interaction, to stop worrying about what others think of me, and to just be present in the moment.

The carefreeness, the effortlessness, and the joy when I was 16.
I want to experience that again.

I want another dinner with my parents and my brother.
I want that one more time.

I want to spend another day with my parents and brother in Zermatt, just like when I was 5 years old, looking at the Matterhorn and feeling pure joy.
I want that one more time.

One more time talking all night with friends.

One more Christmas evening with my family.

I want to lie on the beach and feel the sun on my face for as long as I can.

To go scuba diving one more time.

Go skiing.

Hike the path.

Run the trail.

Climb the mountain.

Stare at the sky in the middle of the night.

I want to sit in the garden and read another good poem.

I want to meditate again, as my first meditation was.

Most of all I wanna sleep, I wanna sleep as I slept when I was a young boy.

Give me that…

…just one time